Why should S Club 7 be allowed to live?

  • First of all, what did they ever do to you?
    Unfortunately we can't just go round killing everything that we aren't too fond of - mostly we can just ignore it - there are exceptions which we'll get onto later.
    And how can you murder something that cheap and cheerful anyway?
  • Because they are just so terrible. What? Don't you think this makes much sense?
    Just think about it for a moment, they are so bad they go off the bottom of the scale and back onto the top. People obviously aren't understanding this, but this means that they are good! Or alternatively I've just gotten REALLY tired of people pointing out that this doesn't make logical sense. Maybe not in your logic...but in my logic it works JUST FINE.

    [Graph to Show How This Argument Works!]

  • The suicide rate would increase - millions of little boys and girls (and one or two older people) would not be able to cope with the tragic loss of seven major role models (!!). Those that survived the initial emotional onslaught would be taken by the subsequent rise of some miscellaneous soap star thinking they could sing. People would jump off cliffs like lemmings and the population would plummet - causing the eventual destruction of the human race.

  • The suicide rate would decrease - millions of people deeply disturbed by S Club's most joyous music would suddenly have a great weight taken from their minds and they would no longer want to kill themselves. Apart from the fact that we wouldn't really want someone this deeply effected by S Club to remain alive - the population would continue to grow, leading to over-population, more intense food production, over farming, desertification of the planet and so the destruction of the human race.
  • [Desertified Earth]

  • It would set a precedent - thousands upon thousands of useless, otherwise lay-abouts, would have no career. What else could S Club 7 do? Unemployment would rise, social misgivings would arise, leading to political instability, revolution and World War III - the destruction of the human race.

  • The carbon dioxide, and hydrocarbon particulates released as they burned at the stake would cause untold environmental damage, resulting in widespread pollution, damage to crops, lack of food, and ... the destruction of the human race as we know it (we may be able to evolve into some kind of primordial soup to prevent total extinction). Not to mention the fact that all the little fury creatures would die, which would be sad.
  • [Smog Molecule!]

  • The sudden drop of demand for illegal drugs would cause a global depression on a scale never before seen causing through some freak government incentive scheme the overproduction of soft drinks. The resulting drop in price of soft drinks would cause mass overconsumption and the eventual demise of the human race through glucose poisoning.
    Illegal drugs?! What am I implying?!! Probably that most people taking drugs do so, so that S Club don't seem so bad...

  • What other defence against alien invaders do we have other than cheezy-pop? Think about it for a minute, why haven't the aliens invaded? They obviously wouldn't be scared of our miltiaries, so the only possible explanation is that they don't like our music. Destruction of the human race again, but this time via domination by extra-terrestrials, and probably a bit of cloning thrown in for good measure. To be fair to the S Club haters - this is a bit of a fudge because we obviously would still have the likes of Steps...oh....and Take That...oh...and the Spice Girls...possibly...Boy Zone?... oh...ummm...OK, lets not be fair to S Club haters.
  • [Borg approaching Earth]

    So, as you can quite clearly see, the survival of the human race through into the next millennium relies upon the survival of S Club 7. There are of course other important issues - the human race is not safe just because the S Club exist - other factors include global warming, ozone depletion, asteroids, global famine, volcanoes, deforestation, ethnic prejudices, war, basic human instinct, most Star Trek plots, result of the FA Cup, time travel, weather forecasting, American hyped-up documentaries..............

    RIP Human Race
    act of god,
    over-riding sense of hopelessness,
    all those newer more progressive Star Trek plots,
    the completion of all nine Star Wars parts,
    universal implosion,
    antidisestablishmentarianism (just a long word rather than some deep political statement!),
    galactic pool,
    mobile phone games becoming good,
    Cliff Richard getting another No 1,
    Bananarama making a come-back,
    me getting something better to do.....